.Hello Again.

So, besides the poem I added I thought I would update. Not that anyone reads my stuff anyways. I recently got out of a relationship. I won’t go too much into what happened. However, I did learn some things about myself.

  1. I will no longer keep my mouth shut when I feel like I deserve more
  2. Once you have hurt me and shown me that you don’t care, I will reflect and then not give two shits about you
  3. Once I put my foot down, the deal is done and there is no going back
  4. There is a big difference between stubbornness and realizing you deserve better
  5. I give a lot, more than people deserve
  6. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt
  7. I am stronger than I give myself credit for
  8. Tears don’t faze me after you’ve hurt me
  9. I show no mercy once I have been hurt
  10. I can turn you into a faint memory

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

.Glass House.

I am a glass house

I have cracks all over my exterior

They stretch out like webs of a spider

With every hardship and every heartache

The webs spread out and connect with one another

They zig-zag towards each other and help each other grow

Making me more delicate with every touch

I am afraid I’ll shatter into millions of pieces

.Que sera, sera.

I’ve been trying to keep a clear head. I am, or I was the type of person to get anxious with time. I am not sure why. I had to fall asleep at a certain time the night before work. If not I would become worried and fall into a bad mood. I would also do my school work once I got home and stop a few hours before my “bedtime” so that I had a few hours to myself. I hated that I was like that. I am not sure when I made the decision. I guess it kind of just happened. I stopped worrying about the time. I fall asleep when I am tired and I work until I no longer want to. Life is too short to worry about anything. You will never be in this moment again. You need to be right here right now. Before you know it, you will be older and regret not having enjoyed your life. Don’t worry about every little thing. There is nothing you can do about anything. Que sera, sera.

.Words.

Words are versatile

They can comfort bruises, heal, and bring warmth

But words can be damaging, bring darkness, and pain

Words are used as weapons to bring down the strongest castles

To destroy the biggest cities

Words are also used to build the tallest towers

To provide words of honey on dark days

My body, a castle, under attack but tenacious

My walls are cracked and worn but strong

My mind, a city, is vast but bands together for a fight

My castle may fall and my city may be damaged but we will rebuild

Returning stronger each time

 

 

.Heart Maze.

It’s cool and organized at times

The path seems simple

But when someone enters, the walls change

If you turn around on the path you’ve started there’s a wall

Odd since you came from there

The entrance is no longer where you’ve entered

When you’ve think you’ve found the exit, the sides blend together and now there’s a wall

My hearts on the other side, waiting

The path seems simple

The colors change

And it’s no longer cool

It’s hot now and  neither of us can breathe

With time it’s cool again and the path seems clearer

The exit is there

My heart is at arms reach

But you can’t touch it

You walk but you aren’t going anywhere

You run but you aren’t going anywhere

When you finally think you are able to touch it, you can’t

There’s a barrier you can’t see

You stand there defeated

The entrance shows up again and you are back where you started

The path seems simple

.Moving Forward.

Starting school was probably one of the best things that I could have done at this moment in my life. I have a big problem with overthinking. I tend to keep my mind running during every second of the day. I am constantly thinking about past, present, and future situations. The could, would, and should of any event that has happened or might happen. I worry about almost everything. Being in school has really helped with not overthinking. I am so focused on school and getting the work done. I have also been dealing with work and I am trying to spend more time with my family. I have not had time to think a negative thought. I am so grateful for being so busy and to keep the thoughts and worries at bay.

School so far is not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I am currently enrolled as an online student for a University. We have to participate a lot online with posting replies to other students discussions on certain topics. I expected better replies than what I have read from my peers. Maybe, once we get into the swing of things, my peers will start writing better replies. I am hoping so. I don’t feel a challenge so far. But I know as I move forward there will be.

With school and work starting I have been feeling like it is almost time for me to leave the nest. Maybe I shouldn’t phrase it that way. I was raised in the system and never really had a “nest” to grow up in. When I aged out of care I moved around a lot. I jumped from family member to family member. I often felt like an inconvenience when I lived with someone. I moved to Florida about five years ago. I lived with my granny, whom I love very much. But at times she can be a difficult person to get alone with. She had many rules and often spoke to me in a very demeaning manner. I tried to talk to her about the way she spoke with me. She never could understand my side of the story. My father and sister moved in after my mother left my stepmother. She spent their whole marriage cheating on him. When they moved in my grandmother seemed to get worse with the way she wanting things. Towards the end of us staying there, her and I had an argument which caused her to say that she wanted my sister and myself gone. My father didn’t like that very much. We all moved out right after Thanksgiving to a roach infested extended stay hotel. We were there for about 6 months.

We currently reside in an apartment not far from my granny. I love my family very much. But, living with them may not be the right thing to do any longer. My father and my sister have lived together all of my sisters life. They are accustom to each other’s ways. I, however, am not. They are loud where as I am not as loud. In certain situations I can be loud. (I mean hello! I am Hispanic ) But most of the time I am pretty laidback.  I like to clean up after myself where as they don’t really do that for a while. I feel like going my own way would be the best thing for me to do. I have been trying to find a place. But, I think that my biggest fear is to confront my father. I do not want to hurt or upset him. I am sure I can not avoid it. He will be hurt or upset either way.

Either way I am sure I will be okay and I in the end things will work out. I need to live for myself and no one else. I need this for my sanity. I need to be free.

.Improvements.

For the longest time I have felt like I wasn’t going to amount to anything. I have felt like a waste of space. And many people in my life helped me to believe that. I never received support of my previous dreams. But, I am happy to say I did not let that stop me. I am on the verge of my 27th year of living and I did not want to continue to feel like that. To feel trapped in a dead-end job. Or to feel like I would never be happy in what I was doing with my life.

I made he decision to go back to school and I could not be more happy. I know it is not going to be easy. I know it will be a struggle. I know I will get stressed and feel like what I am doing will not be worth it in the long run. But I have to remind myself. I have to remember that this is for me and no one else. I am doing this to better my life and to build a stable future for my family.

I am excited to see how school will go. I am excited to get back into studying and having a set schedule. Usually, having a schedule and set times to do things makes me want to do more things. I am not sure if that makes sense. When I do not have a set schedule I tend to continue NOT doing anything. I want to enjoy my life and be a successful person. I do not want to wake up one day and see that I am still in the same place, dead-end job and unhappy with my life. I am so ready for change and excited to see where I go from here.

 

 

.Story Time.

One day when I was about 15 I picked out an outfit to go to school. I thought I looked pretty cute. I had a teal long sleeve shirt that had some pretty design on it. I borrowed one of my older sisters’ skirt. It was a camo pattern in different shades of grey along with black tights and black boots. My sister’s skirt was a size too big but I didn’t care. Through out the day I only had to pull the skirt up a few times.

I was on the bus with my boyfriend headed to his house. He got off the bus before me and I was right behind him. The moment I started walking on the sidewalk my legs felt constricted. When I looked down the skirt was at my ankles and the bus was still at the stop a few feet behind me. I pulled up my skirt SO embarrassed and did not look back. I did not want to know who saw. But there is ALWAYS that one persons that sees you when you think that there is no one around. My boyfriend turned around to see what was taking me so long. But, by that time I was already catching up to him.

I thought it would be fun to share my embarrassing story with you guys.

.Bloggy Blog Blog.

I thought I would be formal and introduce myself. My name is Sara. I am 26 years old. I traded the crowded streets of the Bronx, New York for the crowded streets of Kissimmee, Florida. I thought that moving here would change something. I don’t know what I thought was going to change. Maybe my way of thinking? Maybe how I viewed myself. Really the only thing that changed was the scenery. I am still the same person I was in New York. Older, but the same. I don’t know if I expected my life to end up like a young adult novel where I would find someone and fall in love, get my own place and live happily ever after. I think I did. Thinking of it now seems really silly. I’m older, I have more bills. However, I did learn how to drive. I work at a resort where I get to watch people enjoy their vacations, weekend getaways. Ironically enough, I haven’t been able to take a vacation and I don’t get weekends off. I feel everything I felt in New York times one thousand. Hey, at least the weather is great. Welcome to Paradise.